Monday, April 22, 2013

My Mind

So many things have gone through my mind lately. I have started working with a therapist and it has forced me into my head a lot lately.

She brings up a lot of points and at the same time I still feel like I am holding back. I am a people pleaser. That is something I have always done. I talk like a politician. I choose my works very carefully.

I don't want to upset anyone. That is the plain and simple truth. When you upset people they don't want to deal with you any more. They don't want to be your friend, and as my childhood would have it they will pick on you to no end. I am scared that the real me will put people off. At the same time I don't have any friends so does it really matter?

I should take that back, I do have friends. I have my work friends (who I never see outside of work), and I have one that is a out of work friend (Not including Hubby).

At work I really choose my words carefully. Mainly because I am at work. I have a few close people that I talk to, and tell a few things to. All in all I would say I am "Friendly" with the people I work with. For years I ate lunch on my own. I never had anyone to hang out with at group events. I hated it, but at the same time I hate the interaction more. I could never go up to someone and say hello, and ask to have lunch with them.

Now I have MJ and L. I have lunch with MJ daily. I would say she is my friend. She is nice and loves my little man as much as I do. She is so sweet to me, and yes I choose my words carefully around her. I just got a friend I don't want to lose it. At the office I also have L. L is like having a wonderful older sister. She is so good to me and my family. I couldn't ask for a better friend. L and I have seen one another outside of the office, not often but we have. With L I can be myself. I don't think you can upset her. She has very thick skin and is so nice. She understands me, she understands what my problems are. She pushes me to talk more and be more social. I don't think she understands how hard it is for me, but her heart is in the right place and for that I will forever be thankful.

Outside of work I have a much harder time. I don't know where people meet one another. I don't belong to any clubs, groups or churches. Honestly just the though of going to a place like that sends me into a panic. I have a terrible fear of the unknown and a terrible fear of something happening to me. I don't feel safe out of the house, and for years I didn't feel safe out of my parents home. Because of this, I have one friend outside of the office. S. S and I met in college. She was in a class of mine and we were sitting next to one another. S, is my sister. It may not be by blood but she is my sister. She understands the problems that I have, and she doesn't push. She knows when to step in and when to push. I do not have to explain to her what is gong on, she already knows. S is one of a handful of people I feel safe with. With S, I use to choose my words carefully, then they blew up with me. I thought I was protecting her and I wasn't. It took a while for me to learn that I wasn't protecting her, I was protecting my self. I didn't want to lose my friend so I circled around the truth. I did all this not to lose a friend, and in the end I almost did lose her. Thank God we were able to get passed it, although our friendship is not the same, we are getting there. Distance and schedules keep us apart more often the I would like, but she is family, and in the end we always find time.

I am not sure where this post is going, but I do know that it is coming from my therapist. She has opened my eyes and head to a few things that I need to work on. The question is will ever get passed my fears and just be myself.

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