Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Welcome Back to Me!

Wow! I have seriously disappeared off the blogging world. Honestly I had a lot going on. I am not even sure where to start. Let start with what I know you want to hear about, Pickle. We have been working on getting our Pickle into pre-k. Although this should be an easy process, in our case not so much. As you know he has been working with ECI on his speech delay. He is getting better, but he will lose his services when he turns three. In order to transfer him into the special needs pre-k, he was required to pass a vision and hearing screening, and have a autism screening. He will also have to be evaluated by the school as well. As our luck would have it, he failed the vision & hearing. He did pass the autism screen, and has yet to have the school evaluation. He will have that on the 20th. The vision issues are easily corrected. Unfortunately he would not sit still to have the prescription settled. Also he is non-verbal, so most traditional methods were not working. The doctor told us to come back in a year and we can go from there. So we will wait a year. T he hearing issue, is one that we could not put off. Since little man is non-verbal, this could be key. He has been tested in the past and always past. We are unsure why he did not pass this time too. Because of this, the doctors want to do a sedated ABR test. We have this set for the 5th. We are hoping he failed the test due to being an stubborn toddler. That is what this test will tell us. The good news is, if he does have a hearing issue, it may explain a lot, and we will be able to know how to help him out. All of this has required a lot of appointments for little man. He also had to get a well check before they will do these tests so he had that one top of it too. So life has been busy, and that is just the start of the process.

Monday, June 10, 2013

Getting Healthy

Can someone tell me why it cost so much to join a gym and to get healthy? I just don't understand it.

I need to lose 100+ pounds. I need to badly. I know I do. The thing is I need help. I don't know the first thing about where to start. My first thought was join a gym. I thought that was a great place to start. I could talk to a trainer, they can show me what I need to do and how to do it properly. Many trainers also offer advice on nutrition.

Well that idea went out the window, really fast 40.00 a month just for the gym! Not including the trainer. NOPE

Then I thought about Jenny.Craig, Weight Watcher, and the like. Wow, those cost a butt load too.

This is a girl who doesn't have a extra 11 dollars a month, never mind 40. I thought I could stretch the budget and figure something out. I need to. I need to get healthy.

Can someone tell me why being fat is cheaper?

Thursday, June 6, 2013


You know I need a car.. Well M Needs a car.

Now this is not a new idea. It is a idea that has floated around for sometime. It is not easy being a one car household. It has only floated because we just can't afford it. Now as our little is started to grown and wanting to expand out of our home, it is becoming increasing apparent that M needs a way around.

My most worrisome part is that our Pickle is auditioning for the special needs preschool this month. If he gets in, they we will really NEED that car. Yes he can get the bus back and forth from the school, however what happens if he gets sick. Someone is going to have to get him. I work a hour from our home.

What's a girl to do? I know a lot of people are thinking to get a car loan, or buy something cheap. Well you need money to pay the loan or buy something cheap. Remember you are talking to the girl who struggles to get the peanut butter.

Someone buy me a car… Yes I asked… Yes my pride is shot…. But I had to try……… Insert super embarrassed face here.

Because you made it this long… I give you pictures!!! Whoo Hooo. Yes I know he is super super cute. I am also biased as I am the mother of said child. But I will take you sweet comments on this cuteness anyway.

Monday, May 27, 2013

A toddler at play......

One of my favorite things to do it watch my little man play. There is nothing more precious then watching a little tyke run around and play and the things they come up with. Let me tell you.
Most recently Pickle has started running laps. Not just a typical run, this kid is out to win the toddler Olympics. He runs from our back sliding glass door to the kitchen around the island and back again. He does this for a good solid hour or so. Stopping only for the occasional distraction.
I watch as the smile plays upon his face, it tears at my heart strings a bit, because I know that he will only play like this for so long, then it will be about sports, video games, and big boy toys. He will grow up so fast on me and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I wish I could keep him small forever, but then I wouldn't have more wonderful things to look forward to.

Some of my favorite pictures from this past weekend. Little Man has falling in love with M's childhood friend, Smokin Joe Panda. Ugly as sin, but Daddy and son seem to love him. Little Man has also started to have a I-Pad addiction. We have now started to have some Big Boy rules, about how much time he gets on it and the television. Lately he only stays still with the I-Pad. it seems that is the only time I can get pictures of him.

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

A letter to my son

Dear Pickle,

I love you with all my heart. You are the greatest thing in my life and I will cherish all the time we spend together. But if you dont knock off this tude you have today we won't be spending much more time together. You will however discover how much you love a time out.
Seriously kid knock it off!
Love always,

Sunday, May 19, 2013

I have no title

Well it is true. I have no title for this blog post. I am not entirely sure where this post is going to go either. Great you say, sure, then I shall carry on.

Oh I know. I am going to blog about blogging. I am technically a blogger, i will fully admit I am a terrible blogger. I and not too funny, I am not a speller, and I sure in hell don't have anything important to say. So maybe I am not a blogger. Maybe I am just someone who writes things down so she doesnt' forget. Kinda of like a grocery store list.

Where was I going with this again? oh Blogging... I love blogs, I love the stories I read. I don't feel alone when I read your stories. I read the stories of how you kid hit you with vomit on the car ride home, or how your son's baseball bat discovered it liked your cheek, and I realize I am not alone! That happened to me too! At that moment I don't feel like a bad parent anymore.

So Thank you bloggers, for making me realize that CPS might not be at my door step in the near future.

Friday, May 17, 2013

Wife Fail

This is a actually IM chain from work today with MB...

Me -
So I am making a list of things I need to get done this weekend since M's Grandma is coming on thurs.... I just wrote down something that as I look at the words I think it is the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen... Buy Broom.... what 31 year old wife and mother doesn't already own a freaking broom... WifeFail
LMAO!!! Too funny! I am surprised you don't have one!!
we did a few years ago, but I ran it over with the car, and we just never replaced it. and yes I did say I ran it over with the car
Welcome to my world ladies & gentlemen.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Can't type

Sorry I have been gone. I might be gone for a little while again.

I have some hand issues for the last few years and I just had a procedure done a few weeks ago, the has made my left hand useless. I am currently typing one handed and doing pretty well at it, if I do say so myself.

In the mean time, I will be reading and catching up on everyone updates!

And a big old Congrats to one of my favorite blogger Jenn on her marriage!!!!

Wednesday, May 8, 2013


I am jealous of every pregnant women in the world right now. I can't get over this.

As many of you know, M and I have struggled to have a child of our own. We were finally blessed with Pickle after many years of expensive fertility treatments. We cleared out our savings and spent every cent we had. In the end it was completely worth it. We have a happy, and healthy little boy.
The thing is, I want another one. I just don't see how it is possible. I don't think kick starter supports this kind of thing. So for now, I will sit here and be jealous of everyone else and hope upon hope that I will be lucky enough to get pregnant on my own.

I am just tired of life being difficult. When I was child I thought about my future and what it would be like, I can honestly say I never thought it would be what I have.

Monday, April 29, 2013

Here I sit....

I feel like Sh*t. Plain and simple. I am not sleeping, My stomach is in knots. I want to cry every day now. The worst part is, I can't go to the doctor to find out what is wrong.

My primary requires a $25.00 co-pay. You would think no big deal. However, I owe then $25.00 from my last appointment, I would need to pay the $ 25.00 for this appointment. Then lets say he gives me a prescription or two, or three. That is $7.00 a prescription if they are generic. If they are brand names, it is like you hit the RX lottery. Some Prescriptions are as low as $200.00. So lets do the math on this:

Old Appt $ 25.00
New Appt $25.00
RX 1 $ 7.00
RX 2 $ 7.00
RX 3 $ 7.00
Grand Total $ 71.00

Sitting in lack of sleep coma, with severe stomach pain - Now that is just priceless.

So here I sit at my desk, in pain that no amount of medication can touch at this point. I am smiling and faking it the best I can. On the inside I am crying a thousand tears. I can't go to the doctor because even just the co-pay of $25.00 would kill us right now. Here I just sit and weep.

Thursday, April 25, 2013


Rejection seems to be the name of the game today. Yesterday I went to see my therapist. Lets call her Dr. C. As this being a new therapist, I am still trying to find my ground with her. Things were slow to start, and end. I even started clock watching. In the end I felt rejected by Dr. C.

Dr. C asked me if I need to come back. She started talking about how I seem to have everything in order. It got me to thinking, if I had all the tools I needed to live a good productive life I wouldn't of sought a therapist out.

I felt like I was being rejected. This is a HUGE issue for me. I am talking massive. I have always felt as if I was rejected by my family, and friends. I have a issue with being unlovable or unlikeable. Yet here is another person who is suppose to be my support and safe place, that just rejected me. Yet another person who save me from the mess that is my life.

I need to let my childhood go. I know this. I just don't how.

Monday, April 22, 2013

My Mind

So many things have gone through my mind lately. I have started working with a therapist and it has forced me into my head a lot lately.

She brings up a lot of points and at the same time I still feel like I am holding back. I am a people pleaser. That is something I have always done. I talk like a politician. I choose my works very carefully.

I don't want to upset anyone. That is the plain and simple truth. When you upset people they don't want to deal with you any more. They don't want to be your friend, and as my childhood would have it they will pick on you to no end. I am scared that the real me will put people off. At the same time I don't have any friends so does it really matter?

I should take that back, I do have friends. I have my work friends (who I never see outside of work), and I have one that is a out of work friend (Not including Hubby).

At work I really choose my words carefully. Mainly because I am at work. I have a few close people that I talk to, and tell a few things to. All in all I would say I am "Friendly" with the people I work with. For years I ate lunch on my own. I never had anyone to hang out with at group events. I hated it, but at the same time I hate the interaction more. I could never go up to someone and say hello, and ask to have lunch with them.

Now I have MJ and L. I have lunch with MJ daily. I would say she is my friend. She is nice and loves my little man as much as I do. She is so sweet to me, and yes I choose my words carefully around her. I just got a friend I don't want to lose it. At the office I also have L. L is like having a wonderful older sister. She is so good to me and my family. I couldn't ask for a better friend. L and I have seen one another outside of the office, not often but we have. With L I can be myself. I don't think you can upset her. She has very thick skin and is so nice. She understands me, she understands what my problems are. She pushes me to talk more and be more social. I don't think she understands how hard it is for me, but her heart is in the right place and for that I will forever be thankful.

Outside of work I have a much harder time. I don't know where people meet one another. I don't belong to any clubs, groups or churches. Honestly just the though of going to a place like that sends me into a panic. I have a terrible fear of the unknown and a terrible fear of something happening to me. I don't feel safe out of the house, and for years I didn't feel safe out of my parents home. Because of this, I have one friend outside of the office. S. S and I met in college. She was in a class of mine and we were sitting next to one another. S, is my sister. It may not be by blood but she is my sister. She understands the problems that I have, and she doesn't push. She knows when to step in and when to push. I do not have to explain to her what is gong on, she already knows. S is one of a handful of people I feel safe with. With S, I use to choose my words carefully, then they blew up with me. I thought I was protecting her and I wasn't. It took a while for me to learn that I wasn't protecting her, I was protecting my self. I didn't want to lose my friend so I circled around the truth. I did all this not to lose a friend, and in the end I almost did lose her. Thank God we were able to get passed it, although our friendship is not the same, we are getting there. Distance and schedules keep us apart more often the I would like, but she is family, and in the end we always find time.

I am not sure where this post is going, but I do know that it is coming from my therapist. She has opened my eyes and head to a few things that I need to work on. The question is will ever get passed my fears and just be myself.

Friday, April 19, 2013

Happy Happy Post

There is so much going on lately, that I just don't have words to talk right now. My internal demons have taken over my brain for now, so I leave you with this wonderful video of my sweet little boy...

The video won't load so you will have to click the link to U-Tube Sorry!

Pickle Style

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

What the hell???

Being a mother has taken it toll on me. I can say it now. I have come to terms with it.

I can not change another diaper. I just can't. Yet the young master of our home refuses to consider being potty trained. Now I am faced with a mothers nightmare of diapers.... You guessed it diarrhea.


I just can't take it. I just can't. Needless to say my therapist is going to hear about this in our session today. 

Wednesday, April 3, 2013


I know that we have been missing for awhile. I will be honest we have just been all kinds of busy lately. It has been one thing after another. Hopefully I will be able to sit down and write a proper post here in the near future.

Please leave any questions or comments! I am thinking I will do a blog post full of just reader questions. \


Monday, March 4, 2013


Since M and I are unable to afford preschool for our little man we decided that it would be in our best option to start homeschooling him.

Is anyone homeschooling their Little ones? I could use some guidance. We have looked through many online sites for information and guidance. I just can't seem to come up with how to write a lesson plan. I found a few good templates and they are helpful so far. Wish me luck I think I will need it.

Pickle will also be evaluated by Early Children's services for their preschool. It is a special school that we have in our area where Pickle would go three times a week for a half of day. They work with kids who have special needs in areas such as speech. We are hoping that he will qualify for this program since he still struggles with his speech. Our therapists are great. They come once a week and have done wonders for him, but he is starting to leave them for a loss as much as he does us. For instance he knows the word for milk and the sign for milk, but when he wants milk he will NOT use it for any reason. It is very hard on the poor boy.

Hopefully it all works out in the end. Wish us luck!

Friday, February 8, 2013


I need something good to happen. I am not sure what, but I know I need it to happen soon.
I am stuck in a rut. I just came seem to pull out of it.

From the day Pickle was born I wanted to stay home with him. It has always been my dream to stay home with him. That was just not in the cards for us. M's injuries prevent him from working and he is the best person to stay home with the little man. So I work. I have a great job with a fantastic group of people. I can say I do love my job and the people I work with. We are truly a family here. I can not ask for a better job.

You are now asking your self.. If her job is so great why is she complaining that she is in a rut….. I am in a rut because I want to be at home. I am in a rut because I miss my son every day. I am in a rut because we can not do anything due to our financial situation. I am just in a rut.

I have been online a lot lately looking at all the things I want to do for Pickle, classes to sign him up for, activities to take him to, but I can't do any of that. I feel like I am a bad parent because we can't do any of that. I feel like a bad parent because I am not home. I feel like a bad parent because I am not living my dreams, but just working to get by. How can I teach my son that he can do anything he dreams of if he works hard, if I can not fill my own dreams. He was my dream. He will always be a part of my dreams.

I think in the end I am just in a mood. I just can't seem to pull myself out of it. I am not one of those people who normally sit around and wait for great things to happen to them. I have always believed that you make them happen. I just can't do it this time. I am in a rut. I can't pull out of.

Thursday, January 31, 2013

The Dream

I grew up with two working parents. My parents worked hard to provide for us. We were never without food or clothes. There was always a roof over our heads. Even though I had tow parents who were working their butts off, we sill went without many of the luxuries that many children have. That many children take for granted.

For me that one thing I always wanted but could never have was ballet. I always wanted to be a famous ballerina. Growing up I knew we could not afford it, so I never asked. Looking back on it I wish I tried. Maybe I wouldn't feel so drawn to it now if I did. I find myself each day looking at ballet blogs and pictures of ballets. Now at 31 years old, this is one of those dreams that will never become a reality. I know that I am too old to go up on Pointe. I will always have that regret and dream.

I don't want Pickle to have those feelings. I wish I could give him the world, and I know that the is going to grow up knowing that Mom & Dad don't have money. Will he grow up like I did too and be to shy to ask? I really don't want his dreams to never see reality because he was afraid to ask or I couldn't afford it. I will be the first to admit that I have looked into Adult beginner classes for ballet. What I found made me quite sad. I found that most dance schools consider the term "Adult" to mean 16+. It just doesn't seem like it would be the right fit for me. I wish Adult meant, actually Adult. I would love to take a class with people like myself. Those who are of a more "advanced" age who are just learning. A girl can dream. If you know of a place in the east valley, let me know.

My Dream

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Potty Training Part 2,154,457

Why is potty training so hard? I know that he is ready. I know that he has been ready for awhile, but I feel as if he is being lazy about it. Is that bad to say? If it is sorry, but I just don't know any more.

He knows when he goes. He tells me all the time. Even if he has a diaper on. He just doesn't tell me before he goes. I just don't know what to do. I have tried everything I can find.

Things we tried:
- 3 day potty training method - Major fail on our part
- 1 day potty training method - He just didn't care about it
- direct to underpants - Major fail for my carpet
- Training pants - Just like a diaper to him
- setting the timer for every 30 mins - Just plain old annoying for adults to deal with, and I am sure my little man didn't like it either
- Cloth diapers with out the inserts - Just like a combo of the diaper + underpants. He can feel it and know he did it, but my carpet is much happier for it.

I am at a loss!

*** Now I know there are many of you out there reading this, I need you to comment and tell me what the hell to do!!!!  I just don't know what to do. He is ready and I am ready, but he just won't tell me.

HELPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please!

Monday, January 14, 2013

Where has the time gone......

I sit here thinking to my self it feels like just yesterday I was returning to work from my maternity leave. Now I have a full blown little boy. He seemed to change overnight. He is now into the deep terrible twos. Last night I couldn't even eat dinner, he was so bad. I just don't know what to do with this kid some days.

I have noticed a few things. He was on electronics lock down for about week. He was a great kid. No problems. We Finally lifted the lock down and the kid turned into a demon child again. I think the no electronics is going to stay for awhile longer. It seems to cause the 2 year old to come out in full force. I can honestly say that the hardest part of the lock down is for M and I. We live for our phones.

Another think that seems to make things worst is the lack of sleep, which I am sure is common for any kid. With the night terrors we can't seem to catch a break. He ends up waking up and being up for quite a few hours, which cause him to get a bad nights sleep, and us to get a bad nights sleep. The combination of the two is lethal.

We have also decided to give potty training another go this weekend. We have a nice long weekend at home planned. So Hopefully It will work out. Cross your fingers.  Pickle shows some signs that he is ready and some signs that he is not. We are going to give the three day potty training method ago. I bought the book and read it! I truly wish there was someone out there who would potty train my kid for me. It would make things a lot easier. I am not looking forward to it.

If anyone has any tips or suggestions please let me know. I can use all the help I can get. As a first time mom I am leaning on anyone I can for support.

Thursday, January 10, 2013


Vacation, yes you read that correctly. But more importantly what does that mean. Is she saying that she went on a great vacation and we are going to read about all the fabulous things she did, or does it mean they are going on a great vacation and we get to read all about the fabulous things she is going to do?

You are wrong!!!! So very wrong. I need a vacation, I want a vacation, I will have a vacation. Our vacation will be spent sitting on the surgical waiting room. That is right ladies and gents, I get to spend my vacation time waiting on M hand and foot, while he recovers from surgery. The official word came down a few weeks ago, and he will meet with the surgeon at the end of the month. They are going to take out his spinal cord stimulator and clear out some scar tissue. There is also talk of doing a fusion. We will know more after his appointment.  Please keep him in your prayers.

So no vacation for me. I am concerned with our daycare situation. His recovery time is normally 6-8 weeks. If we plan this right I can get about 3 weeks of coverage from friends and family, but after that I am not sure. Wish me luck, we can not afford to put little man in a daycare so this should be interesting.

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Love, Hate

For us the holidays are a love & hate game. We love the family, friends, out of town guest, gifts, lights, and the spirit of the season.

We hate the mall, and the running around. All of the running around leaves us all with colds. BLAH! Currently I am the only one who is sick, and let me just tell you what a weird sick this has been. I feel like I am sick, but at the same time, I don't have the bad cough, or the consist runny nose. But I do have the sore throat, the the voice that doesn't seem to want to stay around. The weird part is All of these things come & go. So weird.

I know you didn't come here to listen to me blog about my cold, but it is there non the less. The cold forced me to miss work for one day, and stock pile some meds, but hopefully we will be on the mend soon. I do have to say I love a good old sick day. I was able to nap with my little man, and watch some bad day time television. I also got addicted to a lovely Fac.e.boo.k game. The best part is I got M hooked too!