Can someone tell me why it cost so much to join a gym and to get healthy? I just don't understand it.
I need to lose 100+ pounds. I need to badly. I know I do. The thing is I need help. I don't know the first thing about where to start. My first thought was join a gym. I thought that was a great place to start. I could talk to a trainer, they can show me what I need to do and how to do it properly. Many trainers also offer advice on nutrition.
Well that idea went out the window, really fast 40.00 a month just for the gym! Not including the trainer. NOPE
Then I thought about Jenny.Craig, Weight Watcher, and the like. Wow, those cost a butt load too.
This is a girl who doesn't have a extra 11 dollars a month, never mind 40. I thought I could stretch the budget and figure something out. I need to. I need to get healthy.
Can someone tell me why being fat is cheaper?
Showing posts with label depressed. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depressed. Show all posts
Monday, June 10, 2013
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
jealous
I am jealous of every pregnant women in the world right now. I can't get over this.
As many of you know, M and I have struggled to have a child of our own. We were finally blessed with Pickle after many years of expensive fertility treatments. We cleared out our savings and spent every cent we had. In the end it was completely worth it. We have a happy, and healthy little boy.
The thing is, I want another one. I just don't see how it is possible. I don't think kick starter supports this kind of thing. So for now, I will sit here and be jealous of everyone else and hope upon hope that I will be lucky enough to get pregnant on my own.
I am just tired of life being difficult. When I was child I thought about my future and what it would be like, I can honestly say I never thought it would be what I have.
As many of you know, M and I have struggled to have a child of our own. We were finally blessed with Pickle after many years of expensive fertility treatments. We cleared out our savings and spent every cent we had. In the end it was completely worth it. We have a happy, and healthy little boy.
The thing is, I want another one. I just don't see how it is possible. I don't think kick starter supports this kind of thing. So for now, I will sit here and be jealous of everyone else and hope upon hope that I will be lucky enough to get pregnant on my own.
I am just tired of life being difficult. When I was child I thought about my future and what it would be like, I can honestly say I never thought it would be what I have.
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Rejection
Rejection seems to be the name of the game today. Yesterday I went to see my therapist. Lets call her Dr. C. As this being a new therapist, I am still trying to find my ground with her. Things were slow to start, and end. I even started clock watching. In the end I felt rejected by Dr. C.
Dr. C asked me if I need to come back. She started talking about how I seem to have everything in order. It got me to thinking, if I had all the tools I needed to live a good productive life I wouldn't of sought a therapist out.
I felt like I was being rejected. This is a HUGE issue for me. I am talking massive. I have always felt as if I was rejected by my family, and friends. I have a issue with being unlovable or unlikeable. Yet here is another person who is suppose to be my support and safe place, that just rejected me. Yet another person who save me from the mess that is my life.
I need to let my childhood go. I know this. I just don't how.
Dr. C asked me if I need to come back. She started talking about how I seem to have everything in order. It got me to thinking, if I had all the tools I needed to live a good productive life I wouldn't of sought a therapist out.
I felt like I was being rejected. This is a HUGE issue for me. I am talking massive. I have always felt as if I was rejected by my family, and friends. I have a issue with being unlovable or unlikeable. Yet here is another person who is suppose to be my support and safe place, that just rejected me. Yet another person who save me from the mess that is my life.
I need to let my childhood go. I know this. I just don't how.
Monday, April 22, 2013
My Mind
So many things have gone through my mind lately. I have started working with a therapist and it has forced me into my head a lot lately.
She brings up a lot of points and at the same time I still feel like I am holding back. I am a people pleaser. That is something I have always done. I talk like a politician. I choose my works very carefully.
I don't want to upset anyone. That is the plain and simple truth. When you upset people they don't want to deal with you any more. They don't want to be your friend, and as my childhood would have it they will pick on you to no end. I am scared that the real me will put people off. At the same time I don't have any friends so does it really matter?
I should take that back, I do have friends. I have my work friends (who I never see outside of work), and I have one that is a out of work friend (Not including Hubby).
At work I really choose my words carefully. Mainly because I am at work. I have a few close people that I talk to, and tell a few things to. All in all I would say I am "Friendly" with the people I work with. For years I ate lunch on my own. I never had anyone to hang out with at group events. I hated it, but at the same time I hate the interaction more. I could never go up to someone and say hello, and ask to have lunch with them.
Now I have MJ and L. I have lunch with MJ daily. I would say she is my friend. She is nice and loves my little man as much as I do. She is so sweet to me, and yes I choose my words carefully around her. I just got a friend I don't want to lose it. At the office I also have L. L is like having a wonderful older sister. She is so good to me and my family. I couldn't ask for a better friend. L and I have seen one another outside of the office, not often but we have. With L I can be myself. I don't think you can upset her. She has very thick skin and is so nice. She understands me, she understands what my problems are. She pushes me to talk more and be more social. I don't think she understands how hard it is for me, but her heart is in the right place and for that I will forever be thankful.
Outside of work I have a much harder time. I don't know where people meet one another. I don't belong to any clubs, groups or churches. Honestly just the though of going to a place like that sends me into a panic. I have a terrible fear of the unknown and a terrible fear of something happening to me. I don't feel safe out of the house, and for years I didn't feel safe out of my parents home. Because of this, I have one friend outside of the office. S. S and I met in college. She was in a class of mine and we were sitting next to one another. S, is my sister. It may not be by blood but she is my sister. She understands the problems that I have, and she doesn't push. She knows when to step in and when to push. I do not have to explain to her what is gong on, she already knows. S is one of a handful of people I feel safe with. With S, I use to choose my words carefully, then they blew up with me. I thought I was protecting her and I wasn't. It took a while for me to learn that I wasn't protecting her, I was protecting my self. I didn't want to lose my friend so I circled around the truth. I did all this not to lose a friend, and in the end I almost did lose her. Thank God we were able to get passed it, although our friendship is not the same, we are getting there. Distance and schedules keep us apart more often the I would like, but she is family, and in the end we always find time.
I am not sure where this post is going, but I do know that it is coming from my therapist. She has opened my eyes and head to a few things that I need to work on. The question is will ever get passed my fears and just be myself.
She brings up a lot of points and at the same time I still feel like I am holding back. I am a people pleaser. That is something I have always done. I talk like a politician. I choose my works very carefully.
I don't want to upset anyone. That is the plain and simple truth. When you upset people they don't want to deal with you any more. They don't want to be your friend, and as my childhood would have it they will pick on you to no end. I am scared that the real me will put people off. At the same time I don't have any friends so does it really matter?
I should take that back, I do have friends. I have my work friends (who I never see outside of work), and I have one that is a out of work friend (Not including Hubby).
At work I really choose my words carefully. Mainly because I am at work. I have a few close people that I talk to, and tell a few things to. All in all I would say I am "Friendly" with the people I work with. For years I ate lunch on my own. I never had anyone to hang out with at group events. I hated it, but at the same time I hate the interaction more. I could never go up to someone and say hello, and ask to have lunch with them.
Now I have MJ and L. I have lunch with MJ daily. I would say she is my friend. She is nice and loves my little man as much as I do. She is so sweet to me, and yes I choose my words carefully around her. I just got a friend I don't want to lose it. At the office I also have L. L is like having a wonderful older sister. She is so good to me and my family. I couldn't ask for a better friend. L and I have seen one another outside of the office, not often but we have. With L I can be myself. I don't think you can upset her. She has very thick skin and is so nice. She understands me, she understands what my problems are. She pushes me to talk more and be more social. I don't think she understands how hard it is for me, but her heart is in the right place and for that I will forever be thankful.
Outside of work I have a much harder time. I don't know where people meet one another. I don't belong to any clubs, groups or churches. Honestly just the though of going to a place like that sends me into a panic. I have a terrible fear of the unknown and a terrible fear of something happening to me. I don't feel safe out of the house, and for years I didn't feel safe out of my parents home. Because of this, I have one friend outside of the office. S. S and I met in college. She was in a class of mine and we were sitting next to one another. S, is my sister. It may not be by blood but she is my sister. She understands the problems that I have, and she doesn't push. She knows when to step in and when to push. I do not have to explain to her what is gong on, she already knows. S is one of a handful of people I feel safe with. With S, I use to choose my words carefully, then they blew up with me. I thought I was protecting her and I wasn't. It took a while for me to learn that I wasn't protecting her, I was protecting my self. I didn't want to lose my friend so I circled around the truth. I did all this not to lose a friend, and in the end I almost did lose her. Thank God we were able to get passed it, although our friendship is not the same, we are getting there. Distance and schedules keep us apart more often the I would like, but she is family, and in the end we always find time.
I am not sure where this post is going, but I do know that it is coming from my therapist. She has opened my eyes and head to a few things that I need to work on. The question is will ever get passed my fears and just be myself.
Friday, February 8, 2013
Rut??
I need something good to happen. I am not sure what, but I know I need it to happen soon.
I am stuck in a rut. I just came seem to pull out of it.
From the day Pickle was born I wanted to stay home with him. It has always been my dream to stay home with him. That was just not in the cards for us. M's injuries prevent him from working and he is the best person to stay home with the little man. So I work. I have a great job with a fantastic group of people. I can say I do love my job and the people I work with. We are truly a family here. I can not ask for a better job.
You are now asking your self.. If her job is so great why is she complaining that she is in a rut….. I am in a rut because I want to be at home. I am in a rut because I miss my son every day. I am in a rut because we can not do anything due to our financial situation. I am just in a rut.
I have been online a lot lately looking at all the things I want to do for Pickle, classes to sign him up for, activities to take him to, but I can't do any of that. I feel like I am a bad parent because we can't do any of that. I feel like a bad parent because I am not home. I feel like a bad parent because I am not living my dreams, but just working to get by. How can I teach my son that he can do anything he dreams of if he works hard, if I can not fill my own dreams. He was my dream. He will always be a part of my dreams.
I think in the end I am just in a mood. I just can't seem to pull myself out of it. I am not one of those people who normally sit around and wait for great things to happen to them. I have always believed that you make them happen. I just can't do it this time. I am in a rut. I can't pull out of.
I am stuck in a rut. I just came seem to pull out of it.
From the day Pickle was born I wanted to stay home with him. It has always been my dream to stay home with him. That was just not in the cards for us. M's injuries prevent him from working and he is the best person to stay home with the little man. So I work. I have a great job with a fantastic group of people. I can say I do love my job and the people I work with. We are truly a family here. I can not ask for a better job.
You are now asking your self.. If her job is so great why is she complaining that she is in a rut….. I am in a rut because I want to be at home. I am in a rut because I miss my son every day. I am in a rut because we can not do anything due to our financial situation. I am just in a rut.
I have been online a lot lately looking at all the things I want to do for Pickle, classes to sign him up for, activities to take him to, but I can't do any of that. I feel like I am a bad parent because we can't do any of that. I feel like a bad parent because I am not home. I feel like a bad parent because I am not living my dreams, but just working to get by. How can I teach my son that he can do anything he dreams of if he works hard, if I can not fill my own dreams. He was my dream. He will always be a part of my dreams.
I think in the end I am just in a mood. I just can't seem to pull myself out of it. I am not one of those people who normally sit around and wait for great things to happen to them. I have always believed that you make them happen. I just can't do it this time. I am in a rut. I can't pull out of.
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