My Mind

So many things have gone through my mind lately. I have started working with a therapist and it has forced me into my head a lot lately.

She brings up a lot of points and at the same time I still feel like I am holding back. I am a people pleaser. That is something I have always done. I talk like a politician. I choose my works very carefully.

I don't want to upset anyone. That is the plain and simple truth. When you upset people they don't want to deal with you any more. They don't want to be your friend, and as my childhood would have it they will pick on you to no end. I am scared that the real me will put people off. At the same time I don't have any friends so does it really matter?

I should take that back, I do have friends. I have my work friends (who I never see outside of work), and I have one that is a out of work friend (Not including Hubby).

At work I really choose my words carefully. Mainly because I am at work. I have a few close people that I talk to, and tell a few things to. All in all I would say I am "Friendly" with the people I work with. For years I ate lunch on my own. I never had anyone to hang out with at group events. I hated it, but at the same time I hate the interaction more. I could never go up to someone and say hello, and ask to have lunch with them.

Now I have MJ and L. I have lunch with MJ daily. I would say she is my friend. She is nice and loves my little man as much as I do. She is so sweet to me, and yes I choose my words carefully around her. I just got a friend I don't want to lose it. At the office I also have L. L is like having a wonderful older sister. She is so good to me and my family. I couldn't ask for a better friend. L and I have seen one another outside of the office, not often but we have. With L I can be myself. I don't think you can upset her. She has very thick skin and is so nice. She understands me, she understands what my problems are. She pushes me to talk more and be more social. I don't think she understands how hard it is for me, but her heart is in the right place and for that I will forever be thankful.

Outside of work I have a much harder time. I don't know where people meet one another. I don't belong to any clubs, groups or churches. Honestly just the though of going to a place like that sends me into a panic. I have a terrible fear of the unknown and a terrible fear of something happening to me. I don't feel safe out of the house, and for years I didn't feel safe out of my parents home. Because of this, I have one friend outside of the office. S. S and I met in college. She was in a class of mine and we were sitting next to one another. S, is my sister. It may not be by blood but she is my sister. She understands the problems that I have, and she doesn't push. She knows when to step in and when to push. I do not have to explain to her what is gong on, she already knows. S is one of a handful of people I feel safe with. With S, I use to choose my words carefully, then they blew up with me. I thought I was protecting her and I wasn't. It took a while for me to learn that I wasn't protecting her, I was protecting my self. I didn't want to lose my friend so I circled around the truth. I did all this not to lose a friend, and in the end I almost did lose her. Thank God we were able to get passed it, although our friendship is not the same, we are getting there. Distance and schedules keep us apart more often the I would like, but she is family, and in the end we always find time.

I am not sure where this post is going, but I do know that it is coming from my therapist. She has opened my eyes and head to a few things that I need to work on. The question is will ever get passed my fears and just be myself.

Rut??

I need something good to happen. I am not sure what, but I know I need it to happen soon.
I am stuck in a rut. I just came seem to pull out of it.

From the day Pickle was born I wanted to stay home with him. It has always been my dream to stay home with him. That was just not in the cards for us. M's injuries prevent him from working and he is the best person to stay home with the little man. So I work. I have a great job with a fantastic group of people. I can say I do love my job and the people I work with. We are truly a family here. I can not ask for a better job.

You are now asking your self.. If her job is so great why is she complaining that she is in a rut….. I am in a rut because I want to be at home. I am in a rut because I miss my son every day. I am in a rut because we can not do anything due to our financial situation. I am just in a rut.

I have been online a lot lately looking at all the things I want to do for Pickle, classes to sign him up for, activities to take him to, but I can't do any of that. I feel like I am a bad parent because we can't do any of that. I feel like a bad parent because I am not home. I feel like a bad parent because I am not living my dreams, but just working to get by. How can I teach my son that he can do anything he dreams of if he works hard, if I can not fill my own dreams. He was my dream. He will always be a part of my dreams.

I think in the end I am just in a mood. I just can't seem to pull myself out of it. I am not one of those people who normally sit around and wait for great things to happen to them. I have always believed that you make them happen. I just can't do it this time. I am in a rut. I can't pull out of.

Crazy, Hazy Days

Things have been so busy around here. M was lucky to come home on Saturday. Thank God, He is slowly recovering, getting better a little bit more each day. Since M is unable to care for our Pickle, I have had to bring him to different family members each day so I can still go to work. Friday he spent w/ his Auntie K, Sat & Sun he was with me (half at home, and half at hospital), Monday I was blessed enough to have my Mother in Law stay at our house and watch him, and Tuesday He went to spend the day with his Aunt S and his cousins. Today he is at my in-laws house with Big M and Auntie K again. We are so lucky to have family come and help us out when we need it. I can being to say how lucky we are to have family by our sides to help out.

Because poor Pickle has been tossed all around, his behavior is terrible. Has anyone experienced this? You can tell it all effecting him, but I can't change what is going on. I can not miss anymore work this year, and we can not afford to loose this job. I know that he needs a little stability, and I am hoping that I can do that starting next week, but I just don't think it is going to happen this week. It all comes down to how M feels. I hope he gets better soon.

In other news, this week my Grandmother passed (mother's mom). She has been very sick for quite some time. She is in a better place. Her services are going to be held back east over the weekend. I wish that I could go, but I just can't get those funds together. Tickets for the 3 of us were close to 1,600.00, that was just way to much and we didn't have that. I feel terrible that I won't be able to attend her services, I was not able to see her before she passed either. I just can't seem to let go of the guilt that I feel about the entire process.

I hope everyone has a better week that I did. The worst part is that it is only Wed. I still have a few more days to go.


At the park on Monday



When it rains.....

When it rains it pours. That is how it goes in our home. On wed night we rushed M to the hospital with what we thought was Appendicitis. He was in a lot of pain. So all 3 of us were sitting in our local ER to find out that was wrong. After many hours in the hospital we found out, there were not entirely sure of what was wrong and needed to get another consultation . We found it was Epiploic appendagitis. Which I can say was something that I have never heard of. They are not sure why it is not getting better. Normally with time it clears up on his own and M should of been feeling some type of relief at this time, but at this time he is not. They are talking about doing exploratory surgery at this time to see if they can remove the part that is causing the pain, especially since it is effecting his appendix.
Please say a prayer for him and our family. The poor guy has been through so much in his life. He had the accident that changed his life, Surgery after Surgery, and countless procedures. I just wish he could wake up one day and be healed. Miracles do happen. Lets hope it happens for a man that deserves it.

Missing his Daddy.

We all miss you Daddy! Please get better soon so you can come home. The house is cold with out you.

Lets Talk about us...

You have heard about our recent ups and downs, What you haven't heard about is the story of who we are, and how we came to be. Hop on you time machine and go back 14 years to the story of us.

M and I met while we were both in high school. We met while at work at a local Micky D's. I was a manager at the time and M was crew member. He was a junior and I was a senior. I can honestly say that M was incredibly annoying. He was a pain in my butt. I don't how else to say it. I could not stand the man. He will to this day say the same thing about me. It took about a year for us to tolerate one another. One night while working late and closing the restaurant down, there was a few of us on the drive thru head sets just talking about nothing, this got M and I talking. That night he got my phone number. Don't get me wrong it took a while for us to get to the actual concept of a date, but one day I just kissed him. I knew it just had to be done. We have had our ups and downs, but no matter what we were best friends first, and we remain that way to this day.

Fast forward… We graduated high school, we started college and working life….. M was on his way to work one day, and was rear-ended on the freeway. He was hit by 4 different cars. This caused some major issues in his back. He has suffered numerous surgeries, procedures and a implant to try and help him live his life. He has severe issues with daily pain and use of legs. This accident changed both of our lives impermeability and forever, but we made it through, and that is all anyone can ask for. M will never be out of pain again, and will have monthly doctor's appointments, and yearly surgeries for the rest of his life, but he has a life and for that I am grateful.

Fast forward again… More surgeries, more doctors and a few years… We decided it was time to move forward with our lives and get married (so maybe it was not a decision more like the solution to some crazy argument). On April 1st of 2006 we were married. We had a small wedding, but a great time. This is also the time we finally moved out of our parents homes and move in together (we moved about 2 months before the big day). I have some of the best memories from those days. We didn't have a couch or table or chairs the first week or so, we had dinner on blankets spread on the floor while watching TV., we lived each day like any other, work, home, work, home, doctor, work, home, it was a nice routine and some carefree times.
After about a year of marriage we thought about starting a family. After a year of trying we had no luck, and I paid a visit to my doctor. We discovered my PCOS. We tried for a few months on clomid and still no luck, we decided it was time to go see a specialist (during all this time we were looking to purchase a home, found one, bought it and moved). After meeting with the specialist we decided to proceed with IUI's, and inject able medications. After 6 IUI attempts on our final attempt we got our little man. I don't think you would of ever say two people so excited. It took us over two years and all of our savings, but it was so worth it.

Our pregnancy was plagued from the start. I suffered from Over stimulated Ovaries (from all the fertility drugs), and was in a lot of pain for a few weeks. Once we got past that the bleeding started. Small amounts at first, and we were assured that our little pickle (yes that is what we called him in-utero) was okay. Then was day it was like dam broke, and we rushed back the hospital. At this time they discovered a complete placenta previa, and I was put on strict bed rest (only allowed up for the rest room & a Shower). The bleeding continued and a few more hospital trips, During this time they discovered the previa corrected itself and could not find the source of the bleeding. As the pregnancy progressed I ended up in pre-term labor and would be admitted again, and sent home again, the bleeding or contractions would start again and the process was the same. Around month seven they then discovered not only did my placenta move slightly again over my cervix, but I also have a vasa-previa, making this process even more complicated. It was finally decided to put me out of my Misery (Yes, I was a terrible patient. I suffer from a lot of anxiety and could not handle all of this, I was irrational, irresponsible and selfish. If I could go back and change my behavior I would). Pickle was born in perfect health at 36 weeks to the day. lbs. 7oz, and 19 inches long. It was a great day.

Fast forward…. Little man growing up… this is where this blog picks up. Our little man will be 2 in September, and is a great kid. He suffers from some pretty bad reflux, and his speech is a little slow for his age, but he is a great great kid. Always happy and smiling.

Since you were kind enough to read all of this, I will reward you with some pictures of or lives.. I hope you enjoy and comment!!!!!

So long ago, M's Senior Prom



April 1st 2006



You can't tell, but I am 2 weeks Prego at the time!! And not that is not my beer, it is M's!





Fresh out of the oven 2010



All Clean




Going home for the first time.



6 months old




with our first kid Daisy Mae





So cute







Too much jumping













First time swiming





little Crawler





baby's second Christmas







At phoenix childrens for testing on his tummy





Easter Sunday 2012



I love this one